Star Wars is sexy, sure. But I’d still question the logic of anyone who decides to have sex while listening to a band that specializes in what was once called “jizz music.”
Our friends over at Gizmodo Australia recently shared the seemingly unbelievable news that “Cantina Band,” the bar tune from Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, is Spotify’s Top Sex Song in Australia. That means more people are getting it on to Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes (also known as John Williams) than Drake, Rihanna, and Marvin Gaye. I don’t know if it’s scarier to think that Aussies picked it on purpose or ended up with the song while doing a search for “jizz music.”
What most people know as the Cantina Band from A New Hope is more properly known as Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes. The butt-headed aliens in all black are called Bith, and the old Expanded Universe named their musical genre as jizz music. Because, you know, it’s like jazz but, presumably, messier.
The name comes from the Return of the Jedi novelization where musicians were given the not-at-all unfortunate name of “jizz-wailers.” Years later, the EU book Tales from Mos Eisley explained that jizz was a genre of music. At the core of the genre is a reeded musical instrument also called the jizz. So, you know, there’s a guy in in the Modal Nodes who blows a jizz. There’s also a jizz-box. What that looks like is best left up to the imagination, but Planet of Twilight did include the assistant manager of the Wookie’s Codpiece sharing this truly beautiful piece of dialogue:
You sound like a festerin’ jizz-box. I got a festerin’ jizz-box right over there in that corner.
Sadly, the wipe out of the old EU means that jizz probably isn’t canon. Although the term jizz-wailer appearing in a novelization of one of the movies means that it might stand unless outright contradicted. I’d bet that no one’s rushing to address the issue of jizz in Star Wars canon. Not that we haven’t reached out and asked, since the issue paralyzed us for almost an hour.
It’s nice to know that Australia, a land with an actual Jedi problem, also has a jizz problem. An addiction to jizz. A jizz obsession, if you will.
Update: Lucasfilm Story Group member Matt Martin generously responded to our obnoxious tweet asking if jizz is canon by saying “To my knowledge it hasn’t been mentioned in the current canon yet. Don’t imagine it will be....” So, we guess it’s probably not coming.
Additional reporting by Beth Elderkin